What to do, what to write about. I can't believe I got F-ing food poisoning from the caff food! All I did today was catch up on blogs and sleep. Oh and email too. NO MORE MAYO from the caff!!! Which sucks because I love that fattening, disgusting, unhealthy spread.
That's alright though as I am getting better and I got some work done - in between naps. Feel soooo icky. I need soup but we have none. I WANT SOUP!!!! Oh well, tea will work. This is my sick rant and now it's over.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The show must go on
I am getting more and more excited about the doc. I was working on the music I am going to use last night and it is going to be awesome! I've story boarded the opening and other parts of the piece and will start shooting it by weeks end. I have to admit, I think I am more excited by the music then anything else as it's my own music I had written a few years ago. The lyrics will be in there, whether I will sing them has yet to be decided. It is only half a song as i never did complete it - my piano skills are not the greatest, hell, they hardly exisit but I can chord.
I also have to get on the SABIAN website and check out the latest creation.....as a possible MM project. So much work, so little time. Gotta go!
I also have to get on the SABIAN website and check out the latest creation.....as a possible MM project. So much work, so little time. Gotta go!
Loneliness, thy name is Julia
I don't know what's wrong with me these days. The last few months I have been extremely lonely and have regressed back to my old ways of being anti-social. I would rather read a book or sleep than be around people and I just feel like I don't really belong here anymore. I don't like going to bars or the pub and I feel really insecure about myself a lot when people are around.
I am starting to disconnect from everything here and even disconnecting from things at home. My head space is not where it was a year ago and I am not happy. There's no one I can really talk to, not here, not at home. I wear a mask to survive as I always have, though those closest to me don't even know it and if they do, they don't ask.
Being the daughter of an artist, I know what it is to be different. Add in a disability and a shy nature and you've got the makings of the perfect introvert. I spend so much time on my own, I think a lot, too much and that needs to be addressed. One day perhaps. What I need most in the world is to be back among the wild rice, the call of the loon, the glorious sunsets that light up the sky with every sherbet colour you can imagine and the lights, those lights which dance in green and purple dresses in the heavens, those dresses which get more and more beautiful the further north you go. That is where my spirit can take flight and that is where it can soar.
I am starting to disconnect from everything here and even disconnecting from things at home. My head space is not where it was a year ago and I am not happy. There's no one I can really talk to, not here, not at home. I wear a mask to survive as I always have, though those closest to me don't even know it and if they do, they don't ask.
Being the daughter of an artist, I know what it is to be different. Add in a disability and a shy nature and you've got the makings of the perfect introvert. I spend so much time on my own, I think a lot, too much and that needs to be addressed. One day perhaps. What I need most in the world is to be back among the wild rice, the call of the loon, the glorious sunsets that light up the sky with every sherbet colour you can imagine and the lights, those lights which dance in green and purple dresses in the heavens, those dresses which get more and more beautiful the further north you go. That is where my spirit can take flight and that is where it can soar.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
It seems like every day something else happens and it can get rather irritating. For instance, I am doing my next doc on what it's like living with CP and how I'm coping with it. I started this endeavour a while ago and what was supposed to be a story on myself and going through a living hell when I was younger had to change due to a few non-cooperative people....my mother. She was fine with it at first and said "yes" quite easily but then decided no, she didn't want to do it anymore because she was worried about me painting her as "the villain" I couldn't believe it!
I was fighting with her over the phone AND at the bar at the Toronto airport waiting for Steve to arrive over this! How ridiculous is that? I thought, and most thought that being a parent, she would help me, her daughter, no matter how she felt. However, my mother being my mother, saw it just as a "school project" and nothing more. She didn't see how important it was for me to talk through this and put it together as a visual piece so I can deal with it and move on.
I have spent YEARS trying to put the past where it belongs but every once in a while it pops up and bites me hard and I crumble all over again.
So, after getting over that hurddle, Steve and I worked on it during our visit and I now have a clearer focus and I can see it in my head how it will turn out. Everything works out in the end I guess and if it doesn't than it's not the end.
I was fighting with her over the phone AND at the bar at the Toronto airport waiting for Steve to arrive over this! How ridiculous is that? I thought, and most thought that being a parent, she would help me, her daughter, no matter how she felt. However, my mother being my mother, saw it just as a "school project" and nothing more. She didn't see how important it was for me to talk through this and put it together as a visual piece so I can deal with it and move on.
I have spent YEARS trying to put the past where it belongs but every once in a while it pops up and bites me hard and I crumble all over again.
So, after getting over that hurddle, Steve and I worked on it during our visit and I now have a clearer focus and I can see it in my head how it will turn out. Everything works out in the end I guess and if it doesn't than it's not the end.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Reviving the past
As most know, it's not been easy for me. And it's about to get harder. For my next doc, I choose to turn the camera on myself and reopen old wounds. Why? I feel that I have yet to conquer old demons. I thought I had delt with them but I have found the past still haunts me and it's hard to admit that the past still has me by the throat.
I have to revisit the time I put a knife to my arm and drew the blade across my skin to release the pain. I have to rehash old horrors about being teased and humiliated when I has to read something infront of the class and I was so nervous, my left leg shook uncontrollably. I now know it was due to the CP that my leg moved the way it did. I have to revisit nick-names like "the Claw" and "No Brows." I have to remember the depression, the low self esteem, the lack of relationship with my mother and ultimately, my father.
I need to and want sto do this, it is important for me and once I see it, I can move on but until I see it infront of me, I will always remember those times and how they shaped my life and made me who I am.
I have to revisit the time I put a knife to my arm and drew the blade across my skin to release the pain. I have to rehash old horrors about being teased and humiliated when I has to read something infront of the class and I was so nervous, my left leg shook uncontrollably. I now know it was due to the CP that my leg moved the way it did. I have to revisit nick-names like "the Claw" and "No Brows." I have to remember the depression, the low self esteem, the lack of relationship with my mother and ultimately, my father.
I need to and want sto do this, it is important for me and once I see it, I can move on but until I see it infront of me, I will always remember those times and how they shaped my life and made me who I am.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Easy to be Hard.
I look at the world around me and wonder why I think the way I think. I look at certain issues going on and my place in it and I scoff or shake my head or just plain don't give a shit. I wonder why it has become such a world where we are hard and judgemental to those around us. I try to be understanding and patient but sometimes, now more than ever before, I find myself hardening to people and find it's becoming easier and easier to do so.
I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.
I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.
I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.
I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Hollow Me
I feel dead. My body a mere presence in the world, but my soul? Lost. Look in my eyes: there is no sparkle, no joy, no life. I feel empty, hollow as though a piece of me is gone - a piece I can never get back. A piece is missing: a friend, a companion, a father.
For whatever reason, I have missing Dad like I haven't missed him in a long time. I have no idea what spurred this latest emotional meltdown but I can't stop crying and decided to blog so at least it's out of my mind. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, wishes, dreams which will never come to pass. I have dreams in which he is alive and when I wake, he is not there and I lose him all over again. I cannot focus on anything else, I need a change of scenery, a new energy a new aura. But where to go? Where to start? I need to release this latest emotional diatribe but I can't just yet. I feel dead...hollow....broken.
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