Easy to be Hard.

I look at the world around me and wonder why I think the way I think. I look at certain issues going on and my place in it and I scoff or shake my head or just plain don't give a shit. I wonder why it has become such a world where we are hard and judgemental to those around us. I try to be understanding and patient but sometimes, now more than ever before, I find myself hardening to people and find it's becoming easier and easier to do so.

I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.

I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.