drifting...drifting...

I really have nothing to say right now....I should TWEET this blog. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting since it's my last blogging day. 4:30 is when the IJ blogging ends...though I'll keep the blog open to bitch about my life. :P FML is good but meh....I'll blog here instead. Sorry T, I never was good at keeping diaries.

My doc update

Well, it's been a struggle and it's only half finished. The doc starts of with a freakin' STELLAR opening montage sequence...montage being my favourite. It's in black and white and basically of my body cut up in jigsaw pieces - AWESOME! There is original music done by moi underneath and audio clips to tease the audience. After that it's all down hill from there! LOL....kidding. Actually it looks pretty good.

I'm now half finished the doc and will be doing more on it tomorrow after my IJ project is finished and handed in.

Multi media or the bane of my existance

I've been slaving away on my multi media project and when I finally decided to work on it, Burli wasn't working....AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG! So after much fiddling, I gave up and worked on my doc. Today I realized what was wrong....my damn password had expired...GRRRRR.

So, I fixed that and worked on piecing it together. HOWEVER.....since I HATE working with windows movie maker, I got smart and figured it would be easier to do it on FCE. It IS and it cuts the time in HALF! I love it. So I am now happy to say that I am half way there and it will be handed in on time. :)

The show or something like it

Well, it's now April 5 which marks 15 more days of Woodstock life. It's been an amazing couple of years and now we head off into the real world. I head back home to regroup and get ready for my next adventure after practicums and where it'll take me, I don't know.

I have to admit as excited as I am about leaving, I am nervous as well. I'm going back to my old life, getting back together with old friends and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I look forward to moving in with Steve, doing movie nights and going out to the pub with college friends but going back home will mean I have to deal with real life issues again - estate legal issues, being to close for comfort to my family and being in Kenora - which to my mind is where the root of all evil occurs.

The show must go on.

Sabian

For my last IJ assignment, I am doing a piece on Sabian's new cymbal: the 1 of 100 Artisan series which was buried  in the ground last October and will be unearthed in June. it's a really cool story and they are the only company EVER to try this. It's a one off and wont be followed but  to know that it is a company from small town NB, is so cool! 

I'm going out again tomorrow to collect sounds and get more shooting, it definitely a cool learning experience.   

Dumping my life

As most know I'm doing my last doc on myself: What it's like to live with CP. I've had a few people help me with the shooting namely Ryan - yes you get a mention...and we shot footage last night. When I came back to the school to work and dump the footage into FCE, I noticed something strange: me. 

I don't see myself from the POV of an observer so as I was watching what had been caught on video, I cringed. Not because of the fact that being on camera worries me - I could care less. It was really hard to look at myself as others see me: a cripple. My gait was strange, the way my left hand was stiff and contorted into an odd shape as I was working and for the first time in a long time I was upset about what I look like on the outside. I saw myself as a freakish, disgusting being, one not worthy of affection or care. 

So this is what I signed up for, well here goes....   

Sickliness

What to do, what to write about. I can't believe I got F-ing food poisoning from the caff food! All I did today was catch up on blogs and sleep. Oh and email too. NO MORE MAYO from the caff!!! Which sucks because I love that fattening, disgusting, unhealthy spread.

That's alright though as I am getting better and I got some work done - in between naps. Feel soooo icky. I need soup but we have none. I WANT SOUP!!!! Oh well, tea will work. This is my sick rant and now it's over.

The show must go on

I am getting more and more excited about the doc. I was working on the music I am going to use last night and it is going to be awesome! I've story boarded the opening and other parts of the piece and will start shooting it by weeks end. I have to admit, I think I am more excited by the music then anything else as it's my own music I had written a few years ago. The lyrics will be in there, whether I will sing them has yet to be decided. It is only half a song as i never did complete it - my piano skills are not the greatest, hell, they hardly exisit but I can chord.

I also have to get on the SABIAN website and check out the latest creation.....as a possible MM project. So much work, so little time. Gotta go!

Loneliness, thy name is Julia

I don't know what's wrong with me these days. The last few months I have been extremely lonely and have regressed back to my old ways of being anti-social. I would rather read a book or sleep than be around people and I just feel like I don't really belong here anymore. I don't like going to bars or the pub and I feel really insecure about myself a lot when people are around.

I am starting to disconnect from everything here and even disconnecting from things at home. My head space is not where it was a year ago and I am not happy. There's no one I can really talk to, not here, not at home. I wear a mask to survive as I always have, though those closest to me don't even know it and if they do, they don't ask.

Being the daughter of an artist, I know what it is to be different. Add in a disability and a shy nature and you've got the makings of the perfect introvert. I spend so much time on my own, I think a lot, too much and that needs to be addressed. One day perhaps. What I need most in the world is to be back among the wild rice, the call of the loon, the glorious sunsets that light up the sky with every sherbet colour you can imagine and the lights, those lights which dance in green and purple dresses in the heavens, those dresses which get more and more beautiful the further north you go. That is where my spirit can take flight and that is where it can soar.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

It seems like every day something else happens and it can get rather irritating. For instance, I am doing my next doc on what it's like living with CP and how I'm coping with it. I started this endeavour a while ago and what was supposed to be a story on myself and going through a living hell when I was younger had to change due to a few non-cooperative people....my mother. She was fine with it at first and said "yes" quite easily but then decided no, she didn't want to do it anymore because she was worried about me painting her as "the villain" I couldn't believe it!

I was fighting with her over the phone AND at the bar at the Toronto airport waiting for Steve to arrive over this! How ridiculous is that? I thought, and most thought that being a parent, she would help me, her daughter, no matter how she felt. However, my mother being my mother, saw it just as a "school project" and nothing more. She didn't see how important it was for me to talk through this and put it together as a visual piece so I can deal with it and move on.
I have spent YEARS trying to put the past where it belongs but every once in a while it pops up and bites me hard and I crumble all over again.

So, after getting over that hurddle, Steve and I worked on it during our visit and I now have a clearer focus and I can see it in my head how it will turn out. Everything works out in the end I guess and if it doesn't than it's not the end.

Reviving the past

As most know, it's not been easy for me. And it's about to get harder. For my next doc, I choose to turn the camera on myself and reopen old wounds. Why? I feel that I have yet to conquer old demons. I thought I had delt with them but I have found the past still haunts me and it's hard to admit that the past still has me by the throat.

I have to revisit the time I put a knife to my arm and drew the blade across my skin to release the pain. I have to rehash old horrors about being teased and humiliated when I has to read something infront of the class and I was so nervous, my left leg shook uncontrollably. I now know it was due to the CP that my leg moved the way it did. I have to revisit nick-names like "the Claw" and "No Brows." I have to remember the depression, the low self esteem, the lack of relationship with my mother and ultimately, my father.

I need to and want sto do this, it is important for me and once I see it, I can move on but until I see it infront of me, I will always remember those times and how they shaped my life and made me who I am.

Easy to be Hard.

I look at the world around me and wonder why I think the way I think. I look at certain issues going on and my place in it and I scoff or shake my head or just plain don't give a shit. I wonder why it has become such a world where we are hard and judgemental to those around us. I try to be understanding and patient but sometimes, now more than ever before, I find myself hardening to people and find it's becoming easier and easier to do so.

I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.

I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.

Hollow Me

I feel dead. My body a mere presence in the world, but my soul? Lost. Look in my eyes: there is no sparkle, no joy, no life. I feel empty, hollow as though a piece of me is gone - a piece I can never get back. A piece is missing: a friend, a companion, a father. 

For whatever reason, I have missing Dad like I haven't missed him in a long time. I have no idea what spurred this latest emotional meltdown but I can't stop crying and decided to blog so at least it's out of my mind. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, wishes, dreams which will never come to pass. I have dreams in which he is alive and when I wake, he is not there and I lose him all over again. I cannot focus on anything else, I need a change of scenery, a new energy a new aura. But where to go? Where to start? I need to release this latest emotional diatribe but I can't just yet.  I feel dead...hollow....broken.   

I HATE my doc!!

UGH!!!! I hate my doc, just so everyone knows, I HATE MY DOC!!!! I don't like the subject matter and have know idea why I agreed to take on the subject of what it's like to be a single parent. Irritating....I mean it can be very powerful but I'm really not interested. Sorry. I want to do I personal story next time but have no idea how to shoot it. Any ideas? I want to be the one on-camera, but I don't know how I'd work it. Hmmmm....

This first one is tough, I just can't bring myself actually get my ass in gear.   

I wish life were a musical...seriously!

It's amazing what happens when you listen to music from a musical. For me having spent most of my life in music festivals and performing for people, I never tire of hearing great songs from kick ass productions and I always wish I could have done certain songs in different places. One of my songs of choice would be "Wishing you were somehow here again" from Phantom or "Easy to be hard" from HAIR. Of course any song from RENT would do: "Out tonight" or the lesbian song "Take me or leave me." See? Musicaholic!

Every time I watched a musical I always wished life could be like that. People break into random song and dance and life would be swell. Uhhh....did I just use the word swell??? 1945 called, they want their word back! Golly....

Ease on down the road....

As I said in the last post, this week has been busy. with everything from shooting, recording and learning new programs, it's been a whirlwind of activity. So, in an hour I will be going out to shoot another interview for my doc which should be interesting. After that i have an interview with Rob for my multi-media project. Rob is dressed as a girl today, which makes it even more interesting and entertaining. Oh, yes....I have a camera. 

So, I'll keep easing on down the road and meeting the challenges as they come up. 

Cheers.

Another year older....

Well, I made it to 23 relatively unscathed. The week was a week from Hell as it was so busy, I could barely sit down to think. On my actual day, we shot the final show of CCN, which was interesting - after the class bombarded me with a rendition of Happy Birthday, then watched as I flubbed my way through the poorly written cue cards. Oh what fun! Actually it was as we shared a lot of laughs and I only cringe to see or hear what Ryan caught on camera (he was shooting footage of the taping). The rest of the day was fun and now I look forward to this year - I move back to Winnipeg for awhile and then in the new year it's off to New Zealand! After that, who knows....   

Working away

Well, the second week has gone by and I still feel as though I'm completely useless. I can't get back into that working headspace though I have been woorking. I'm feeling sluggish and hoping next week will change things around and I'll get back on the ball again. UGH.

That's all I have to say for now.

Discrimination in the court room

I'm reading a manuscript right now that was written by my boyfriend Steve's now 2nd ex -wife. I know it sounds odd but it is a way to learn about his past so we can become closer in the future. Anyway, the manuscript is about Steve's custody battle with his estranged first wife. It is a heart wrenching story that sends shivers up the reader's spine when one reads what he went through. His first ex played the system like a professional concert violinist, who could create beautiful music set in a minor or diminished key to make it sound spooky and scare the listener by intimidating notes that haunt the soul and pierce the heart.

Steve's ex was dangerous, once pulling a knife on him and claiming innocence. During the custody battle, she hired a Rottweiler of a lawyer who was after his blood anyway he could get it. She was phychotic and involved her kids to gang the upper hand legally. She had him arrested and charged with assault. Now anyone who knows Steve, knows he couldn't hurt a fly let alone a person. It's true actually as he went to school for Entomology. In the end she turned their kids against him with nothing but lies and manipulation.

The sad part is that though she was unreliable and not a credible witness, the courts let her get away with virtually murder as she killed the loving caring relationship he had with his girls. Men have been treated unfairly in this country for too long. And yes, in some cases it does its job but when a loving parent is trying to take care of his children and they say no you can't because you are not the mother, it is severely unnerving. Reading the story has been a tedious task as I can only imagine what it must have been like. I thank God that my parents were fair and didn't drag my brother and I into it and try and pit us against one or the other. Good men and good fathers are being abused by the system and it is time we stood up to that system. For years, the courts have always sided with the mother whether she was a fit parent or not. Steve's ex was not though the courts gave her sole custody and destroyed the kids' relationship by brainwashing them and buying their love.

Please take a stand against this form of discrimination. The courts need to rule that the better parent should be granted sole custody regardless of gender.

Small town girl

It's funny, I've lived in a small town all my life and yet I am still baffled by small town mentality. I came from a small Northwestern Ontario (NWO) town and even though I was a dreamer and wanted out, people I knew from school etc, stayed behind. Tell me, why is it that people from small towns find it hard to leave and go out into the world? Granted, not all people are like that but it is curious is it not? My friends from HS are still there with jobs at the grocery or movie store, and if they do go away to school, they always come back and get jobs in their hometown. Some as teachers others as mill workers. 

My mother said it was the same small town mentality: they stick with what they know. She said this to me after my so-called BFF ditched me to be with her cousins who she sees EVER DAY. In truth, we haven't been best friends in about 4 years though she still believes it. I just believe the whole world can be your oyster and it's there for the taking. Yes, I understand that money is sometimes the issue but I believe one must go out anyway and work your way up and life will happen. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm biased but life is too short not explore and travel and see the world. Live, love, laugh and learn is my mantra....or one of them, so get out of that small town and explore!! Same to all you city people. Get away from the concrete jungle and see the way other people live - get out of the bars and clubs and go see something cultural, OK? 

Peace       

Environmentally friendly indeed....

JD Irving LTD has just added another problem to their list: One of their oil rigs has sunk of the coast of NS. Well now....here we go again. As of right now there is no deadline for them to start cleaning up and have issued a statement saying the tanker won't start leaking for another 50 years. In essence: No worries, we'll get around to it, we're just going to do it on our own time. 

I thought they were supposed to be a Eco-friendly company, at least that's what I was told. Look at all the trees they are planting and jobs they are providing....yeah well that was before they became negligent. Some one needs to speak up and protest against this BS and make them pay for the lives they could damage. Especially all the wildlife they will destroy and ecosystems around the area. 

Way to go guys, way to go.