Reviving the past

As most know, it's not been easy for me. And it's about to get harder. For my next doc, I choose to turn the camera on myself and reopen old wounds. Why? I feel that I have yet to conquer old demons. I thought I had delt with them but I have found the past still haunts me and it's hard to admit that the past still has me by the throat.

I have to revisit the time I put a knife to my arm and drew the blade across my skin to release the pain. I have to rehash old horrors about being teased and humiliated when I has to read something infront of the class and I was so nervous, my left leg shook uncontrollably. I now know it was due to the CP that my leg moved the way it did. I have to revisit nick-names like "the Claw" and "No Brows." I have to remember the depression, the low self esteem, the lack of relationship with my mother and ultimately, my father.

I need to and want sto do this, it is important for me and once I see it, I can move on but until I see it infront of me, I will always remember those times and how they shaped my life and made me who I am.

Easy to be Hard.

I look at the world around me and wonder why I think the way I think. I look at certain issues going on and my place in it and I scoff or shake my head or just plain don't give a shit. I wonder why it has become such a world where we are hard and judgemental to those around us. I try to be understanding and patient but sometimes, now more than ever before, I find myself hardening to people and find it's becoming easier and easier to do so.

I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.

I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.

Hollow Me

I feel dead. My body a mere presence in the world, but my soul? Lost. Look in my eyes: there is no sparkle, no joy, no life. I feel empty, hollow as though a piece of me is gone - a piece I can never get back. A piece is missing: a friend, a companion, a father. 

For whatever reason, I have missing Dad like I haven't missed him in a long time. I have no idea what spurred this latest emotional meltdown but I can't stop crying and decided to blog so at least it's out of my mind. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, wishes, dreams which will never come to pass. I have dreams in which he is alive and when I wake, he is not there and I lose him all over again. I cannot focus on anything else, I need a change of scenery, a new energy a new aura. But where to go? Where to start? I need to release this latest emotional diatribe but I can't just yet.  I feel dead...hollow....broken.   

I HATE my doc!!

UGH!!!! I hate my doc, just so everyone knows, I HATE MY DOC!!!! I don't like the subject matter and have know idea why I agreed to take on the subject of what it's like to be a single parent. Irritating....I mean it can be very powerful but I'm really not interested. Sorry. I want to do I personal story next time but have no idea how to shoot it. Any ideas? I want to be the one on-camera, but I don't know how I'd work it. Hmmmm....

This first one is tough, I just can't bring myself actually get my ass in gear.