Reviving the past

As most know, it's not been easy for me. And it's about to get harder. For my next doc, I choose to turn the camera on myself and reopen old wounds. Why? I feel that I have yet to conquer old demons. I thought I had delt with them but I have found the past still haunts me and it's hard to admit that the past still has me by the throat.

I have to revisit the time I put a knife to my arm and drew the blade across my skin to release the pain. I have to rehash old horrors about being teased and humiliated when I has to read something infront of the class and I was so nervous, my left leg shook uncontrollably. I now know it was due to the CP that my leg moved the way it did. I have to revisit nick-names like "the Claw" and "No Brows." I have to remember the depression, the low self esteem, the lack of relationship with my mother and ultimately, my father.

I need to and want sto do this, it is important for me and once I see it, I can move on but until I see it infront of me, I will always remember those times and how they shaped my life and made me who I am.

Easy to be Hard.

I look at the world around me and wonder why I think the way I think. I look at certain issues going on and my place in it and I scoff or shake my head or just plain don't give a shit. I wonder why it has become such a world where we are hard and judgemental to those around us. I try to be understanding and patient but sometimes, now more than ever before, I find myself hardening to people and find it's becoming easier and easier to do so.

I listen to stories or to people talking and find myself judging more often than I'd like to admit. Perhaps it's because it hasn't been an easy life, perhaps it's because I abhor religion and I would've been charged as a heretic for my views on the subject. Or perhaps I'm jaded because of what I've seen and gone through, what I've felt in my past. Whatever the reason, I find more often than not, I am putting on a face to get through my day and wonder where do I belong? I don't feel I belong anywhere: not here, not home, nowhere.

I've been feeling like that lately, I don't feel right, I feel there is something missing and I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. I don't feel comfortable here. I feel there is a wanting, an emptiness that is, in my deepest, most private moments, overwhelming. At times I just sit or lie, whatever the case may be and think and wonder what I am waiting for. Is it life? Is it hope? Or is it a chance to prove myself - the real me, not just the one I allow others to see.

Hollow Me

I feel dead. My body a mere presence in the world, but my soul? Lost. Look in my eyes: there is no sparkle, no joy, no life. I feel empty, hollow as though a piece of me is gone - a piece I can never get back. A piece is missing: a friend, a companion, a father. 

For whatever reason, I have missing Dad like I haven't missed him in a long time. I have no idea what spurred this latest emotional meltdown but I can't stop crying and decided to blog so at least it's out of my mind. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, wishes, dreams which will never come to pass. I have dreams in which he is alive and when I wake, he is not there and I lose him all over again. I cannot focus on anything else, I need a change of scenery, a new energy a new aura. But where to go? Where to start? I need to release this latest emotional diatribe but I can't just yet.  I feel dead...hollow....broken.   

I HATE my doc!!

UGH!!!! I hate my doc, just so everyone knows, I HATE MY DOC!!!! I don't like the subject matter and have know idea why I agreed to take on the subject of what it's like to be a single parent. Irritating....I mean it can be very powerful but I'm really not interested. Sorry. I want to do I personal story next time but have no idea how to shoot it. Any ideas? I want to be the one on-camera, but I don't know how I'd work it. Hmmmm....

This first one is tough, I just can't bring myself actually get my ass in gear.   

I wish life were a musical...seriously!

It's amazing what happens when you listen to music from a musical. For me having spent most of my life in music festivals and performing for people, I never tire of hearing great songs from kick ass productions and I always wish I could have done certain songs in different places. One of my songs of choice would be "Wishing you were somehow here again" from Phantom or "Easy to be hard" from HAIR. Of course any song from RENT would do: "Out tonight" or the lesbian song "Take me or leave me." See? Musicaholic!

Every time I watched a musical I always wished life could be like that. People break into random song and dance and life would be swell. Uhhh....did I just use the word swell??? 1945 called, they want their word back! Golly....

Ease on down the road....

As I said in the last post, this week has been busy. with everything from shooting, recording and learning new programs, it's been a whirlwind of activity. So, in an hour I will be going out to shoot another interview for my doc which should be interesting. After that i have an interview with Rob for my multi-media project. Rob is dressed as a girl today, which makes it even more interesting and entertaining. Oh, yes....I have a camera. 

So, I'll keep easing on down the road and meeting the challenges as they come up. 

Cheers.

Another year older....

Well, I made it to 23 relatively unscathed. The week was a week from Hell as it was so busy, I could barely sit down to think. On my actual day, we shot the final show of CCN, which was interesting - after the class bombarded me with a rendition of Happy Birthday, then watched as I flubbed my way through the poorly written cue cards. Oh what fun! Actually it was as we shared a lot of laughs and I only cringe to see or hear what Ryan caught on camera (he was shooting footage of the taping). The rest of the day was fun and now I look forward to this year - I move back to Winnipeg for awhile and then in the new year it's off to New Zealand! After that, who knows....